adducet me ut vita
by chloereidishere
Summary: 100% crack. Another Perlmutter/Zombie AU. Less emphasis on the zombies though. Multichapter. Rated T for sexual references and terrible jokes. For once, one of the Castle's crazy theories has come true. How will Perlmutter get the best out of this situation?


**This is the sort of the inspiration that strikes when you're half way across the country, spending the weekend with one of your best friends. **

_adducet me ut vita_

Perlmutter stroked his cheek, caressing it almost. The way lovers would touch each other: gently with the underlying strength of their passion. However, it was his own cheek.

He locked eyes with himself and whispered:

"One day, that hand will be Rick's."

The M.E.'s hand fell to the pocket of his jacket as he pulled out his keys, ready to leave for another day at the precinct. Another day longing after Writer-Boy and secretly envying Beckett all whilst maintaining his cold outwards appearance and coming up with new insults for his secret crush. He already used "Defective Castle", a pun he prided himself on. It was his best yet. How would he top it today? He shrugged to himself and got into his old car, placing his signed copy of Heat Wave back into his glove compartment before pulling out. Something he'd never do to Rick. Sidney liked his copy of the book in passenger seat, seat belt and all, on his way home from work so he could pretend he was telling Rick about his day.

Traffic was bad this morning, he was going to be late to the crime scene. He'd miss yet another opportunity to watch his ruggedly handsome writer swagger into the crime scene. Another case with Castle and Beckett seized by Lanie Parish.

Although Dr Parish was one of the best medical examiners he knew (obviously not as good as him), he was sick of her getting to the scene first. He wanted to spend time with Rick, even if he spent that time pretending that he didn't want to be spending that time with him. The only perk about the traffic is that he could spend more time coming up with cute insults for what the kids would call his "bae".

Perlmutter wasn't entirely sure what a "bae" was. When he first saw the word on his twitter feed he felt he should ask Alexis what she was talking about but he didn't want to seem uncool to all 17 of his followers. He just assumed it was a misspelling of "babe", a term of endearment he had heard Kate call Rick a couple of times, that had become a popular colloquial term for a significant other. Now, by definition Richard Castle technically wasn't Sidney Perlmutter's significant other but he had written the words "Mr Sidney Castle" so many times on his private journals that it had to be true love so Castle might as well be his S.O. Rick was just yet to realise it.

Finally, traffic began to disperse and he found himself at the crime scene moments before Castle and Beckett arrived. They too were presumably stuck in traffic but judging by the ruffled look of Kate's hair, he doubted it.

"It's okay Perlmutter, I got this one," said Lanie as he arrived at the body she was examining, "there's another one over there though, you can go check it out."

Sidney smiled sweetly at his colleague but his mind roared with applause: all of his mini mind mes cheered, high fiving each other, kissing babies - it was a time for celebration. A case with Rick Castle!

Perlmutter set down his bag, took out a pair of gloves and got to work on the body. It was pretty dead, he knew that much. He couldn't let the fact that he'd be working with Castle again distract him too much. _Focus, Sidney! _His own thoughts startled him because for some deep psychological reason, that particular thought took on the voice of his mother. How strange.

"What have we got, Perlmutter?" Kate's authoritative voice pierced his Richard Castle induced daze and Sidney snapped from mounting an oily, muscular Rick back to the work at hand.

"Ah, Detective Beckett, Dick Castle, we have a body." His voice was so sharp and sour that even his beloved winced but quickly hit him up with a comeback.

"Well, yes but is it dead? If so, how..." Kate giggled, beaming at Rick who was mentally patting himself on the back. He smirked at his wife. It made Sidney sick but before he could say anything he caught himself. Rick wasn't his. _Yet._ That thought was not his mother's voice. That would have been weird.

"Two GSWs to the head. Double tap, it seems."

" Either they were intent on killing this guy or they'd been watching too many zombie movies," whispered Rick, nudging Kate who rolled her eyes along with Perlmutter.

"...No signs of a struggle. The time of death was at 2:09AM."

"Watch broke when he fell?" chimed in Rick. Perlmutter loved it when Rick got things right.

"Watch broke when he fell," he confirmed. "Which I suppose disproves the zombie theory because what kind of zombie wears a watch?"

Before Rick could make another ridiculous comment or come up with an eccentric story, Kate piped up.

"Half his head was blown off, Perlmutter. What do you think?"

"There aren't any shell casings so I'm not sure but I'm guessing shot gun. Even at close range, I don't think anything else could do this kind of damage. But we'll leave that bit to ballistics."

As Kate strutted away, Rick skipped after her like a lovestruck, excitable puppy. Sidney couldn't help but notice the way Rick's choice of pants hugged his ass. Perlmutter shook it off and headed back to the precinct.

* * *

In the cleanest room in the whole city, Perlmutter sat down a tucked into his lunch as he awaited the arrival of Castle and Beckett. He knew they'd go to Lanie first and she'd give them the low-down on her vic but he'd like to see them anyway. Just because he'd like to see Rick's face now that finally one of his silly theories have come true.

The doors swung open as Perlmutter swallowed the last bite of the sandwich, made the way his mother always used to.

"Is it true? Are they... zombies? From an undead army?" squealed Rick, Kate lagging behind, running her fingers through her hair and sighing.

"Well, I don't know about an undead army but zombies sounds about accurate. Although the victim's watch broke as he fell, that time of death isn't accurate..."

Perlmutter went on to explain his discoveries. The stage of decomposition was too far advanced for the victim to have died last night and either he had terrible dental hygiene and no dental plan or his gums had been left to deteriorate for at least a month. The clothes were more tattered than if the victim had been murdered last night. And his strangest discovery:

"Since ballistics couldn't find any bullets in the vic and there was no sign of them being removed, I had do some investigating of my own."

"...And?" said the couple simultaneously. Gross.

"Strangely, the wounds had not only gun powder residue but also... traces of rock salt. As if the bullets had been made of it. Probably due to the summer heat and the blood, the salt has dissovled. Which I suppose would explain the high levels of sodium chloride that came back in the tox results."

Both Kate and Rick looked dumb founded. Perlmutter smiled to himself. Finally, a discovery that had silenced Richard Castle. However, the M.E. spoke too soon.

"Like in that show Supernatural? With the brothers that hunt... the supernatural? They use rock salt bullets!"

"Uh..."

"What Castle means is... well, I'm not sure what he means. But we'll figure it out. C'mon Castle, let's go. We've got more to do." Kate was so done.

"Wait, can I take a picture of the body? Alexis would love this."

Perlmutter considered it. Doing a special favour for his crush. _Then he would owe you. _That was his mother's voice. Which was disconcerting. But she did always know how to get the best out of a situation.

"Just this once, Mr Castle. Show only Alexis. We don't need a city wide panic about _zombies_."

Kate raised her eyebrows at him and he shrugged as Rick gleefully pulled out his phone and snapped a selfie with the vic.

This should be interesting.

**A/N: When I started this I had no idea where I was going with it but apparently train journeys are inspiration too. Also Starbucks. I'm always looking for feedback so let know what you think and what you'd like to see next/more of. I'm not sure how often this will be updated because my writing is erratic but I'll aim for twice a week. Remember, this is 186% crack. Also, it's a zombie AU but if you're looking for a serious one, I'd suggest looking elsewhere. But if you're looking for shits and giggles, this is where its at.**_  
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